A secret recording of an actual meeting of the Illuminati.

by Brian Dunning

Filed under Aliens & UFOs, Conspiracies, Consumer Ripoffs, Paranormal, Religion

Skeptoid #150
April 21, 2009
Podcast transcript | Listen | Subscribe

Recently, our Skeptoid special investigators were able to get a look at what happens inside a meeting of the New World Order of Masonic Illuminati. It was, predictably, pretty much exactly what we expected from those reptoids. You can download a high quality MP3 of their actual meeting here. Attached is the transcript:

Download just the song for your MP3 player (no titles or intro, just the music)

Here is a video of the production and recording:

(Unidentified voice)
Ladies and gentlemen — LADIES AND GENTLEMEN — This emergency meeting of the New World Order of Masonic Illuminati is now in session. Everyone got coffee? Good. Ladies and gentlemen, you all know why we're here... science is in crisis. The public has discovered that faith-based knowledge works just as well... and it's a lot cheaper. Here to discuss the problem is the crown prince of corporatism, the sultan of science, the rajah of reason, our very own Exalted Grand Illuminatus!
Let's give him a warm Bohemian Grove welcome, whaddaya say?

Exalted Grand Illuminatus
Thank you... thank you. Please take your seats. I've invited you, the elite of the scientific world from around the... world, to my super-secret lair for one purpose... and ONE PURPOSE ONLY! Tonight we will address the most dangerous... the most insidious... the most DRASTIC THREAT to our continued prosperity since we had to cover up the Fountain of Youth.

(Unidentified voice)
Where'd we hide it, anyway?

(Unidentified voice)
Vegas. It's outside the Bellagio.

(Unidentified voice)
Just down the street from the Scientology volcano at the Mirage.

Exalted Grand Illuminatus
The public has discovered that they don't need us... that our "evidence" and our "research" have been nothing but a smoke screen to hide our greatest secret — that our so-called "science" IS A FRAUD AND A CHEAP GRAB FOR CASH! Already some amongst us have felt the consequences... forced to drive AUTOMOBILES WITH LESS IMPRESSIVE HOOD ORNAMENTS!

So, what are we to do? What, indeed?

While our revenues are dwindling,
Our enemies rekindling,
New avenues for swindling
Are forming in my mind.

But with every plan that I produce
It seems a screw or two is loose,
And though my plotting is profuse,
The world's no longer blind.

A hundred years of record profits,
Foisting facts on school-age moppets,
From the bottom to the top,
It's fading like a dream.

With New Age crystals and ID,
Detox and homeopathy
They scorn our scientifically
delineated scheme.

And so we're screwed.
Who knew the public was so shrewd?
I have no choice but to conclude
Though it’s crude,
Folks, we’re screwed.

No doubt we’re screwed.
It's put me in a nasty mood;
We'll have to go to KFC or Mickey D's for food,
We're screwed!

The public has discovered that
Big Pharma is a lie, and that
Double-blinded testing tells a
Tale that's gone awry.

So they turn to nature for their fix
And throw some wheatgrass in the mix,
There's coffee in their bag of tricks!
(Unidentified sound)
So bid your biz goodbye.

According to their god in heaven
Two plus two is 9/11,
Both Twin Towers, Building Seven
And the Pentagon.

The truthers started their attack,
The Bilderbergers beaten back,
With no conspiracies to track
How could we carry on?

We hatched a military plan
To wholly own the holy land
To maximize our profits and
Control the oil supply.

But Action News on Channel 9
Said, "Water runs your car just fine!"
Now Mobil's maxed its credit line
More profits kissed goodbye!

We're screwed!
Our latest efforts to collude
Provide the enemy renewed attitude
Thus, we’re screwed.

I’m tellin' ya, we’re screwed!
Though we were glad when it debuted,
Our master plan was surely prematurely ballyhooed,
We're screwed!

Psychologists are filled with dread
Of psychics talking with the dead.
Can't charge a dime to shrink your head;
A séance works as well.

We tried to hide this wondrous truth
We fought the seers nail and tooth
Employing methods most uncouth
To keep our clientele.

(Unidentified voices)
Not such a long, long time ago,
Six hundred centuries or so,
The Earth formed in a single blow
Of some Designer’s breath.

All the fossils that we planted,
All the theories that we slanted,
Certain "scientists" recanted,
Praying them to death.

Exalted Grand Illuminatus
My friends, we're screwed.
Cash in those bonds that you renewed!
We'll have to give the boot to all the loot that we’ve accrued,
We're screwed!

(Unidentified sounds)

Exalted Grand Illuminatus
So many people eat organic,
Immunized from poison panic.
Pesticides that made them manic
Can't infect them now.

So let's falsify nutrition labels
(Just a phone call to our stables).
Poison, poised upon their tables
Kills that sacred cow!

Tip Skeptoid $2/mo $5/mo $10/mo One time

But we have other cards to play.
Call up Roswell straightaway,
Launch our alien Judgment Day!
And make the people beg.

We’ll fluoridate their food supply,
And spray some chemtrails in the sky:
Mind control from up on high
Will take them down a peg.

Oh, they're so screwed!
They shoulda never made us come unglued
'Cause now we're gonna win this feud
They've pursued
Yup, they're screwed.

They’re all so screwed
We'll force them into servitude
The psychics and the truthers and the sheeple and their brood
Are screwed!

And if they still won’t buy our con,
We’ll turn our new collider on!
In microseconds, Earth is gone —
Our vengeance takes its toll.

If they won't pay us, I decree:
Activate the LHC!
The final thing they'll never see

(Unidentified sounds)


Please visit composer Lee Sanders' site.

Brian Dunning

© 2009 Skeptoid Media Copyright information

Reference this article:
Dunning, B. "Screwed!" Skeptoid Podcast. Skeptoid Media, 21 Apr 2009. Web. 4 Oct 2015. <>


10 most recent comments | Show all 145 comments

This is crap! Nobody is gonna believe all this Illuminati reunion hoax. I mean, the Illuminati wouldn't be so stupid as to let any secret meeting get lost or stolen. Plus, it sounds so crappy and with so much nonsense.

Miguel Noble, Passaic, New Jersey
November 4, 2011 7:07pm

Holy crap! This just made my day-thank you for the aside from the norm.

Ted Tickell, Boston, MA
December 3, 2011 5:58pm

well um that was a tad bit strange okay lets break this down
1. Fountain of youth baligio seriously
2. Bohemian grove thats probably true
3. and the song don't get me started

Brian Foisy, kennebunk,ME
June 24, 2012 5:47am

great piece of satire ;)

Nathan Kovesy, Sydney Australia
December 13, 2012 5:14pm

Ok, that was funny. =->

How long did it take you to write that?

DrStrangepork, Framingham, MA
February 5, 2013 8:14am

rolling around on the floor laughing..bump ! very Monty Python.

Brian before finding your site i used to get depressed due to all the negative theories out in the world like aliens, government cover ups, poison food, planet x but, since listening to your podcasts i can honestly say that a weigh has been lifted. You also set up my day, thank you xx

Sandy Vine, England
May 24, 2013 3:38am

....."all the negative theories out in the world like aliens, government cover ups, poison food, planet x but, since listening to your podcasts i can honestly say that a weight has been lifted."
Sandy Vine, England
May 24, 2013 3:38am

Hey Sandy, you must admit all that online "stuff" you're talking about is great entertainment for a rainy, boring Sunday afternoon -that is if you're not watching "The Three Stooges in Orbit", or "Fawlty Towers" or something! :D

I don't listen to the podcasts, but I sure read all the articles!
You can verbally modify some of the said articles to concoct "Campfire Stories".

I'm still waiting to see a ghost, a little grey Martian, and the Annunaki from Planet X.

Ron, Calgary Alberta Canada
October 14, 2013 10:55am

This episode is what happens when a skeptic's mental tank fills up with too much sewage and goes into an overloaded condition. Brian was told by his corporate doctors that he must greatly reduce his intake of rubbish, or crank up the meds, or go completely mad. New age "doctors" recommended putting a magnet on a silk pillow out in the middle of the woods. Brian doesn't ever tell us which he chose, but I think it's obvious. Go Big Pharma!

Doug, Puyallup
August 12, 2014 8:53am

Reading the verses, all I have to say is "Many A True Word Spoken (or Sung) In Jest !"

Macky, Auckland
November 29, 2014 1:49pm

OK, clearly I missed something.

When did the Illuminati become Masons? The real Masons are bound to be really annoyed by Illuminati stealing their name. How rude is that?

Maid in Missouri, Gainesville Fl
January 21, 2015 5:57am

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