So the other day I wasn't feeling too great, and I'm enough of a skeptic that I don't blindly go to a medical doctor to see what Big Pharma wants to foist onto me. I'm smart enough to turn to the back pages of magazines and late-night infomercials to get real science information. Here are a few things one trusted spokesman told me:
Music & Lyrics by Brian Dunning
Performed by Brian Dunning
Audio by Bill Simpkins
Living in this modern world we're
Always playing dice;
Eating, breathing toxins, it is
Never very nice.
Luckily, enlightened ones have
Stepped up to the plate:
We've got products you can buy, to
Save you from this fate.
Take a pill or soak your feet,
Rub this on your skin;
Don't go to a specialist
Or you'll be taken in.
We offer easy payments
And millions can't be wrong;
You know it works, because it was
Invented by a mom.
(Buy it!) Buy it and you'll save a tree
(Buy it!) Buy it cuz it's chemical free
(Buy it!) For yourself or for a friend
(Buy it!) Buy it, doctors recommend
One thing that is certain is that science minds are closed;
If we listen to them we'll all be hosed.
Oprah says that you should treat
Your body, mind and soul.
You're not a disease, you are
A person who is whole.
Our products burn your fat away
With space technology,
And best of all, we offer an
Quantum physics baffles
All the scientists it appears;
Chinese have known these secrets
For a hundred thousand years.
Prove it scientifically;
If it wasn't true we couldn't
Say it on TV.
(Buy it!) Buy it if your name is Fred
(Buy it!) Buy it even if you're dead
(Buy it!) Buy it, buy it straightaway
(Buy it!) Buy it if you're straight or gay
The body's all organic, and so what it really needs
Is for you to buy and eat these old dry weeds.
Call today, we have our
Operators standing by.
You can detoxify.
Supplies are strictly limited, so
Hurry, don't be slow.
Your credit card's the key to what
They don't want you to know.
(Buy it!) Buy it or else it's a sin
(Buy it!) Buy it or the terrorists win
(Buy it!) Whether you're a girl or guy
(Buy it!) Buy it or God will cry
A life without these products, well it's certain to be rough;
The only way to save yourself is buy more stuff!
So I got out my card and made a few purchases. Now I'm not only on the path to healing, I'm also free of the stain of Big Toxins and those giant corporations who are only interested in profits. I chose the pure path, and I've shown that I can't be taken advantage of.