The "New" Bill of Rights

by Brian Dunning
January 1, 2007

The first ten amendments to the United States Constitution are called the Bill of Rights. It was adopted in 1791, two years after the Constitution went into affect. Some have said that the Bill of Rights represents one of mankind's greatest leaps forward, establishing a new and previously unheard of standard for personal and national liberty. However, in recent decades, it's begun to show its age, and is no longer relevant to the lives of modern Americans. It no longer represents our politically correct culture. So, I hereby propose this amended Bill of Rights to better reflect what Americans truly want.

First Amendment – Freedom of speech
You have the right to never be exposed to speech which might possibly offend someone somewhere. The government shall maintain a Federal Communications Commission to thoroughly censor all broadcast media, and impose strict fines on any and all offensive content.

Second Amendment – Right of the people to keep and bear arms
You have the right to be guaranteed that no law abiding citizens living near you may ever be armed with dangerous weapons.

Third Amendment – Protection from quartering of troops
No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, unless that house is in some foreign country.

Fourth Amendment – Protection from unreasonable search and seizure
The right of the people to be secure shall be protected by frequent searches and seizures upon persons of a different race. The unreasonable cruelty of a warrant shall not be imposed.

Fifth Amendment – Due process, double jeopardy, self-incrimination, private property
No person shall be held to answer for any crime, unless adequate due process be applied, and applied, and applied, and applied, and applied. Private property shall not be taken for public use, except to create a Wal-Mart.

Sixth Amendment – Trial by jury and other rights of the accused
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, and to be released from all responsibility for that crime if enough Hollywood celebrities feel that he has turned over a new leaf.

Seventh Amendment – Civil trial by jury
In any and every dispute in business, family, sports, or entertainment, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, a court of the United States shall always be called upon to settle all matters through lengthy and expensive litigation.

Eighth Amendment – Prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment
Cruel and unusual punishment, such as mishandling your Koran or making you perform a human pyramid, shall never be inflicted, except in fraternity houses.

Ninth Amendment – Protection of rights not specifically enumerated in the Bill of Rights
The enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights, shall not be construed to mean that people have any other rights. In fact you are guaranteed that people you don't like, or who are of a different ethnic background than you, shall have no implied rights at all.

Tenth Amendment – Powers of states and people
Neither the states nor the people shall ever infringe on your rights to have the federal government force everyone to adopt your personal opinions.

These proposed amendments are humbly submitted by the majority of the American public, excepting only those who prefer that the Bill of Rights be replaced by the Ten Commandments. For their speedy adoption will this petitioner ever pray.

By Brian Dunning
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