It’s almost over, dear readers. After a slapstick season of dumb theories and worthless evidence, 10 Million Dollar Bigfoot Bounty has found its final two teams: Team Dudebro, consisting of Florida-based Squatchers Stacey & Dave; and Team Odd Couple, consisting of biologist Michael & ghost hunter Kat. There’s just one more Hunt, one more Evidence Review, before the whole thing is over and done with. Ready for one last trip into the woods? Follow me …
For the final Hunt, the show comes out to my neck of the woods! Specifically, they’re in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, “da Yoo Pee” to the locals, hunting in Porcupine Mountains State Park.
Dean says has had a “huge spike” of Bigfoot sightings lately, which is news to this state local. Team Dudebro knows about them, and says something about Bigfoot reports in the area including stories of rocks being thrown at people, which apparently Bigfoot does; and Team Odd Couple says there was reported “whooping” too. Hairy humanoids running around in the UP, whooping and throwing things? Hate to break this to you, guys, but that wasn’t Bigfoot. That was just Eino and Toivo messing with the tourists.
The Hunt sequence is primarily centered around Team Odd Couple having a falling out; Kat and Michael just aren’t getting along anymore. In the middle of their squabbling, they play a “Bigfoot vocalization”. Where did they get this vocalization, and how do they know it’s a Bigfoot vocalization? Wishful thinking I guess; if they had hard evidence it was a Bigfoot call they’d have turned it in already and gotten the prize money.
Anyway, they play the call, hear a return call, and get all excited that Bigfoot is responding to them. But it is not a Bigfoot. It’s a loon — Michael even more or less admits it later in the show. Don’t believe me? Listen to this then go watch that segment again. There were loons on the lake that night.
Speaking of loons: meanwhile, Team Dudebro is setting up a crying baby trap. They’ve got a baby doll with an MP3 player stashed under a log, over which is a trail cam. Why are they doing this? Because, they say, Bigfoot may be drawn to the crying. Also, they claim that Bigfoot may be able to hear the whir of a trail cam and see the infrared laser it emits. The crying baby is supposed to mask the camera noise and distract him from seeing the laser. I guess it’s —
Waitaminute. Did they just say that Bigfoot can hear the game cam? And he can see the infrared beam? Do they even STOP to think about this for a moment?
Their whole convoluted plan is built around explaining why Bigfoot has never been caught on a trail cam. It’s not because there’s no Bigfoot to capture; instead, apparently Bigfoot has better senses than any other related primate, including us, and it’s also more sensitive to a cam than even the cat senses of the Michigan cougar. Why has Bigfoot never been caught on film? Because he can see and hear them in a way NO OTHER MAMMAL OR PRIMATE CAN, EVER, SERIOUSLY. This is a wonderful example of special pleading.
Oh, and they also poured cow blood around the baby doll, because Bigfoot is totally into death metal. Hail Satan! [Or maybe they think it will be attracted to the smell.]
Later, Team Dudebro finds footprints with a hair in it. Now their “theory” is that Bigfoot has hair on the sides of its feet. Meanwhile, both teams are now working under the theory that Bigfoot scat looks like bear scat and they gather poop accordingly. Mosquitoes are also gathered, and bent & broken branches are marveled at. All in all it’s a very uneventful Hunt.
The team reunion/final Evidence Review takes place, as all good reality competitions do, in a thematically decorated sound stage in LA; it’s a formula started by Survivor and hardly changed since. The eliminated teams are brought back to fill time before the big reveal, and we get squabbling, of course. Team DonDon once again tries to call BS on the whole thing, and of course they’re attacked for it. Then Team Dudebro and Team Camouflage get into it, then it’s time to pile onto Team Odd Couple again. Everyone hates on everyone. Please can we move on?
We get a new scat theory during the Evidence Review! Team Dudebro argues that the reason no one finds Bigfoot scat is because … wait for it … because, what if maybe Bigfoot scat looks like all the other scat out there, and so everyone keeps overlooking it? Hey, it’s as good an explanation as any for why all that scat they’ve collected hasn’t amounted to anything.
Then Stacey of Team Dudebro tries to justify his baby trap by saying, “When ten million dollars is on the line, I’m pulling everything out of the bag I have.” That isn’t your bag you’re pulling things out of, Stacey.
Finalty, it’s time to reveal the results: no one found any verifiable. Bigfoot DNA or anything else even close to being worthy of the 10 million prize. Team Dudebro, however, is able to walk away with the booby prize — I mean, the $100,000 research grant. I hope they spend it all on vaginal secretions and cow blood.
I will say this: Team Dudebro truly did embody the Squatcher mentality. They were totally invested in the hunt in a way the other teams weren’t, by which I mean they not only knew all the bullshit theories but they also were perfectly willing to put each stupid one of them to the test, not to mention mock, deride, use, and backstab as necessary to find their fantasy ape. Does that make them the best scientists? No , but I guess it does make them the paragon of Squatching. So congrats, Squatchers. These fine fellows are representing for the community. Be proud. Or nauseous.
Now that it’s all over, lets’s sum up the evidence.
Amount of unambiguous evidence of Sasquatch found during this series? None.
Amount of unambiguous video or photographic evidence found during this series? None, though we got at least one classic Blobsquatch.
Amount of ambiguous possible Sasquatch evidence that still defies explanation found during this series? None.
Amount of worthless scat, hair, DNA, and other remains from known wildlife found during this series? All of it.
All in all, I think the producers did about as well as they could have with the concept, and at no point did I think this was a poorly made series. Quite the opposite: I thought that the approach the show took, stressing science and eschewing nonsense, was welcome and appropriate. It’s not their fault that all the theories are idiotic and all the evidence amounted to bear scat (and elk scat, and deer scat, and cat scat). I’m kind of sad that there will almost certainly not be a second season.
In the end, I feel like the real winners of 10 Million Dollar Bigfoot Bounty were Travis and January, the first team to be eliminated. They were the only team who went out on the hunt, took a look around, and then came back to the Evidence Review with complete honesty to say, “There’s nothing there.” It may not have won them $100,000, but it has earned them the posthumous nickname of Team Right.