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How to Throw a Great Apocalypse Party

by Mike Rothschild

December 10, 2012

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Donate As everyone knows, the world will end in just a few weeks, on December 21st, 2012. We don’t know how, or what time it will take place, but through some combination of pole shift, magnetic field collapse, zombie apocalypse, asteroid/rogue planet collision, alien invasion, gray goo mudslide, smiting, planetary conjunction, galactic alignment, supermassive black hole, supernova, Photon Belt Disaster and nuclear war, humanity and everything we’ve ever known and created will be destroyed. And if anyone does survive, they’ll surely envy the dead. The Mayan Calendar predicted it, and numerous lab coat-clad scienticians on the History Channel confirmed it with evidence from the Bible Code and Timewave Zero. So you can’t say you weren’t told.

Many of you are pondering how best to spend your last few days on the planet. Do you pass the time through work and trying not to think about what’s going to happen? By hoarding food, gold and bullets in a vain effort to survive and stave off the looting hordes? Perhaps you’re thinking of settling scores with those on your enemies list?

Whatever you do, being with friends and family on The Last Day is essential. We may all die together, but nobody should die alone. By gathering with loved ones and good friends to face the fire, we not only defiantly reassert the bonds of humanity as the great culling begins, but we can have a pretty kickin’ good end time, too.

With that in mind, here are a few Do’s and Don’ts to keep in mind when planning your Apocalypse Party, so you can ensure your guest have a good time ringing in the nightmare world to come.

DO go top shelf for your liquor. The 2012 horror is a phenomenon that one ideally wouldn’t experience sober, but you also want you and your guests to have your faculties intact to dodge burning cars, alien warriors or crumbling continental crust. So when it comes to booze, less is more, and best is best. Remember, money will have no value on whatever burning cinder the survivors inherit. So spend freely and buy the insanely good stuff you’ve always wanted to try. Fine scotches, whiskeys, tequilas and vodka are a must. Good champagne is essential for a last toast. Mixers matter! And local microbrews only, please. Keep in mind that leftover alcohol will be currency in the post-2012 world, so stock up.

DON’T forget the food. This doesn’t mean emptying out the fridge of whatever dregs you’ve got left. This will be the last meal for everyone you know, so make it a memorable one. Catering is good, but anyone can put out a top quality spread with enough resources and creativity. High quality deli meats, fine cheeses and a spread of seasonal vegetables makes a great start. Live in a warm climate? Grill up some killer steaks and toss some lobsters in the pot. West Coasters, why not order as much In-N-Out Burger as you can carry? Nobody knows what time the hell will start (nor what time zone the Maya had in mind when creating their calendar) so be prepared with multiple meals. And think outside the box! Remember, money will be meaningless, so bring in a taco truck, sushi chef or carving stations. Get creative. If not now, when?

DO spend some time on the music. Thinking of just putting your iPod on shuffle and turning up the volume to drown out the screams? Apocalypse party foul! A good mix is key to any party, and more so for the last party you’ll ever throw. Start off the night upbeat, and get folks on their feet with a mix of classic rock, soul, funk and R&B. Don’t worry that a song is overplayed, because it never will be again. And no deep cuts or obscurities, now isn’t the time to burnish your hipster cred. When the destruction truly begins, downshift into a more somber and reflective mood, with jazz and moodier selections. Then, as the Earth’s crust tears apart for good or the poll shift completes, turning our atoms inside out, play your last song. This should be something deeply personal and important to you, but still meaningful for your guests (if any are left alive). Can’t think of anything? Try out “There is a Light That Never Goes Out” by the Smiths, “Not Dark Yet” by Bob Dylan or “The Golden Age” by Beck. Or throw a curve ball and play the Sid Vicious cover of “My Way.” And if you’re thinking of using “The End” by the Doors, remember, it’s got some pretty uncomfortable Oedipal undertones. And it’s really long.

DON’T use your last day on Earth to shill for your pet project or pyramid scheme. People gathering together to brave Armageddon don’t want to hear about your Kickstarter campaign, the screenplay you’re writing or how much you can bench. And it should go without saying that 2012 is not an appropriate time to sell us on the virtues of Kangen Water, super-fruit juice or Tupperware. Be respectful of people’s time, because there’s not much of it left.

DO keep it together. The end of the world is not an excuse for boorish nonsense and shenanigans. Yes, you can drink, but know your limits. Your friends don’t want to spend their last hours cleaning up your mess or apologizing for you. Stay off the table and keep the lampshade off your head. Decorum is important, even more so when everything around you is going to hell. So don’t go on and on with boring stories, don’t tell people off and don’t reveal any secrets that might make the party awkward. And while it’s perfectly acceptable to copulate with your spouse or a random stranger in the chaos and darkness, that doesn’t mean we want to see it.

Follow these simple tips, and you and the people you care about can see in the apocalypse with both fun and style. And if, for some crazy reason, all the internet prognosticators are wrong, and the world DOESN’T end on the 21st...well, you’ve still had a great party. And a great party needs no excuse.

But just in case, you might want to stock up on bullets. Better to have and not need than need and not have, right?

by Mike Rothschild

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