Minutes from the Annual Rothschild Family Meeting

Despite my last name being Rothschild, for some reason, I have never been invited to the Rothschild Dynasty Annual Meeting, held this year in beautiful Southern California. However, through secret channels, begging and calling in favors, I was able to get my hands on a copy of the meeting itinerary. I believe it will reveal that, far from being the world-dominating, money-supply controlling, war-starting cabal of secretive bankers featured in numerous conspiracy theories, the Rothschilds are just like you and me, dedicated to using their wealth for the betterment of humanity and advancing the cause of responsible capitalism.

This has nothing at all to do with my continual attempts to use my last name as a way of getting free wine, artwork and membership in exclusive clubs. Nothing at all. Shame on you for even thinking such a thing.

277th Annual Rothschild Dynasty Meeting
Morongo Casino, Resort & Spa, Cabazon, CA

Day 1
9 AM - Continental Breakfast
10 AM - Opening Remarks - Meyer Amschel Rothschild XIII
11:30 AM - Session 1: Cooled Britannia: Controlling the British Money Supply in a Changing Economy, led by Lord Thislewick Rothschild
1 PM - Endangered Species Lunch
2:30 PM - Session 2: How to Start a War for Fun and Profit but Mostly Profit, led by General Nathan Bedford Rothschild, Vice-President, Colombian Junta
3:30 PM - Session 3: Purchasing a Politician: It's Easier Than You Think!, led by Senator Garfield Rothschild Garfield
5 PM - Cocktails and "Networking"
6 PM - Dine Arounds (Red Lobster, Black Angus, Chipotle)
8 PM - Informal Evening Session: How to Dispose of Unruly Underlings, led by Ernst Stavro Rothschild
9 PM - Ice Cream Social and Blood Sacrifice
11:30 PM - Young Rothschilds (60 and younger) "Club Night"

Day 2
9 AM - Continental Breakfast
10 AM - Breakout Session: The Rothschild Dynasty in the 21st Century: Space, Gas and Space Gas.
11 AM - Session 4: Hashtag Billions: How to Consolidate Wealth through Social Media, led by Lord Twitter von Rothschild
12:30 PM - "Ethnic" Lunch
2 PM - Breakout Session: Waterloo 2.0: Finding the Next Great Battle Between Nations, and Rigging it For Our Own Purposes
3:30 - Break
4 PM - Session 5: Usury Your Illusion: Bank Fees, Interest Rates and Those Pesky Credit Unions
5 PM - Family Awards, Accomplishments, Milestones. Performance of SEASONS OF LOVE from the musical RENT by Rothschild Family Showband and Revue
6:30 PM - Dining On Your Own
8 PM - Poker Tournament! First Prize, Two-Year Term as President of Federal Reserve Bank
8 PM - Spa Night (ladies only, please)
10 PM - Secret Circle and Drum Dance Ritual (Please note, this is open to Rothschild blood relations only)

Day 3
9 AM - Breakfast, Danish and Coffee
10 AM - Business Card Exchange
11 AM - Closing Remarks, given by Oldest Living Rothschild, Karl Theodor Maria Nikolaus Johann Jacob Philipp Franz Joseph Sylvester Freiherr von und zu Rothschild IV, 107 years young.
12 PM - Limousine Pickup for Return Journeys

END