The "New" Bill of Rights

An amended Bill of Rights to better reflect modern American values.

Filed under Logic & Persuasion

Skeptoid #18
January 01, 2007
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The first ten amendments to the United States Constitution are called the Bill of Rights. It was adopted in 1791, two years after the Constitution went into affect. Some have said that the Bill of Rights represents one of mankind's greatest leaps forward, establishing a new and previously unheard of standard for personal and national liberty. However, in recent decades, it's begun to show its age, and is no longer relevant to the lives of modern Americans. It no longer represents our politically correct culture. So, I hereby propose this amended Bill of Rights to better reflect what Americans truly want.

First AmendmentFreedom of speech
You have the right to never be exposed to speech which might possibly offend someone somewhere. The government shall maintain a Federal Communications Commission to thoroughly censor all broadcast media, and impose strict fines on any and all offensive content.

Second AmendmentRight of the people to keep and bear arms
You have the right to be guaranteed that no law abiding citizens living near you may ever be armed with dangerous weapons.

Third AmendmentProtection from quartering of troops
No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, unless that house is in some foreign country.

Fourth AmendmentProtection from unreasonable search and seizure
The right of the people to be secure shall be protected by frequent searches and seizures upon persons of a different race. The unreasonable cruelty of a warrant shall not be imposed.

Fifth AmendmentDue process, double jeopardy, self-incrimination, private property
No person shall be held to answer for any crime, unless adequate due process be applied, and applied, and applied, and applied, and applied. Private property shall not be taken for public use, except to create a Wal-Mart.

Sixth AmendmentTrial by jury and other rights of the accused
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, and to be released from all responsibility for that crime if enough Hollywood celebrities feel that he has turned over a new leaf.

Seventh AmendmentCivil trial by jury
In any and every dispute in business, family, sports, or entertainment, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, a court of the United States shall always be called upon to settle all matters through lengthy and expensive litigation.

Eighth AmendmentProhibition of cruel and unusual punishment
Cruel and unusual punishment, such as mishandling your Koran or making you perform a human pyramid, shall never be inflicted, except in fraternity houses.

$2/mo $5/mo $10/mo One time

Ninth AmendmentProtection of rights not specifically enumerated in the Bill of Rights
The enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights, shall not be construed to mean that people have any other rights. In fact you are guaranteed that people you don't like, or who are of a different ethnic background than you, shall have no implied rights at all.

Tenth AmendmentPowers of states and people
Neither the states nor the people shall ever infringe on your rights to have the federal government force everyone to adopt your personal opinions.

These proposed amendments are humbly submitted by the majority of the American public, excepting only those who prefer that the Bill of Rights be replaced by the Ten Commandments. For their speedy adoption will this petitioner ever pray.

Follow me on Twitter @BrianDunning.

Brian Dunning

© 2007 Skeptoid Media, Inc. Copyright information

References & Further Reading

Congress of the United States. "Bill of Rights Transcript." The Charters of Freedom. The United States Government, 4 Mar. 1789. Web. 1 Jan. 2007. <http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/bill_of_rights_transcript.html>

Kasindorf, Jeanie. "Bad Mouth: Howard Stern vs. the FCC." New York Magazine. 23 Nov. 1992, Vol 25, Number 46: 38-45.

Levy, Leonard W. Origins of the Bill of Rights. Harrisonburg: Yale University Press, 2001.

Taslitz, Andrew E. Reconstructing the Fourth Amendment: a history of search and seizure, 1789-1868. New York: New York University Press, 2006.

Young, David E. (editor). The Origin of the Second Amendment: A Documentary History of the Bill of Rights in Commentaries on Liberty, Free Government & an Armed Populace 1787-1792. Ontonagon: Golden Oak Books, 1995.

Reference this article:
Dunning, B. "The "New" Bill of Rights." Skeptoid Podcast. Skeptoid Media, Inc., 1 Jan 2007. Web. 21 Apr 2014. <http://skeptoid.com/episodes/4018>

Discuss!

10 most recent comments | Show all 18 comments

I agree with Morgan. Although I do like having some insight into what your political opinions may be, whether or not I agree with them. On most of these I do agree with the sentiment, though a couple rub me the wrong way.

Will Tomlinson, Houston, Texas
February 09, 2009 11:31pm

An addendum to the fourth amendment: Airlines and ISP's will be exempt from the protection against search and seizure. In the interests of "the war on terrorism" they will be allowed to search any and all baggage and data respectively that they choose to, whether they involve foreigners or U.S. citizens.

Chris, Cyprus
August 15, 2009 10:48am

this is great!

Real-Life Psychic, MIA
September 23, 2009 11:11pm

Maybe just me, but I fell this is hardly worthy of the skeptoid title. What are you being skeptical about anyway? This isn't the usual quality that I have come
That said, some made me laugh.

Eric Ness, Montreal Quebec
December 10, 2009 10:47am

Hey, give me a break, this was episode #18. I still had no idea what I was doing back then.
:)

Brian Dunning, Laguna Niguel
August 08, 2010 7:15am

Have you ever said that before Brian?

Henk van der Gaast, Sydney
November 14, 2010 8:58pm

What the lead article did not examine was the role of enforcing this Bill of Rights. You must ensure
that it is "properly interpreted" and not used to actually have any effect on the activities of the strong against the weak . We can't have that. Society would crumble. The strong stay strong by repression of the weak. Pull up the flowers and the crops to prevent them threatening the weeds. We must never abandon class structure in society.

Morality is fine so long as it is regulated by the dominant elite. What I think you need is some sort of "supreme" court to which ultraconservatives can be appointed to serve for life - We truly can't have a progressive government (should the people deem to elect one) removing the elites blocks on progressing society

This new "supreme" court would have the responsibility and power to make all judgements on the Bill of Rights. Why not give them that power for the whole constitution ?- there is an idea.

That way you can ensure that a progressive document can be turned into a millstone round the peoples necks. You don't want those bearing arms for example to have to carry muskets and pistols when there are so many lovely modern guns. And with a bit of legal jiggery pokery you can make the right to bear arms the right for arms to bear you. Anyone want a tank? Come in handy at the next street or college massacre

Supreme Courts are the key to it - Otherwise you might end up with democracy.

Who said that? Pinko!

Phi, Sydney
March 02, 2011 1:32pm

Whats that? There are more than one interpretation, against more than one moral stances?

Why, that would make morality subjective.

And whats so democratic about supreme courts? Filled with unellected members of the judiciary. You know, to remain seperate from party politics and all...

Tom H, Kent
August 19, 2011 12:27pm

I think that morality and thus law should be ever evolving towards the law of the jungle. No universal principles that are inalienable. Civilization is built upon the chaotic nature of unbridled human nature. If at one time throwing babies on the fire alter to Bale is righteous and good then great! If at other times killing your unborn for personal convenience is righteous and good then great! If Nazi's who were only following lawful in country practice kill 6 million jews fantastic. If Stalin killing 20 million because the people wanted the system that put him in power, then great again! Isn't mankind wonderful in his ability to be his own god. He's very successful to be sure. I'll take the ten commandments and all the extended case laws as my guide to build civilization notwithstanding the idiot pretender hippocrits in history that give chrisitianity a bad name. It's not the faith, it's the abusers that need blamed. Atheism cannot follow universal principles since man is the ultimate judge in matters of truth,i.e rationalism, and his opinions are ever changing.Man becomes his own god and does much more evil than a set of universal principles to live by. For Atheism whats good today maybe evil tomorrow and vise-verse.Moral relativism, Now that's a solid rock to build civilization on. How ironic that man as god determines right and wrong and simultaneously denies the existence of such things. Just atoms banging around ultimately come on and be consistent. I liked the satire.

Bill F Wade, Lieghton,AL
April 05, 2012 10:31pm

At first I'm like; what the....
Great satire though....isn't it really what we're going by now days anyway?.....You, my Darling have stolen the idea from 'our' government...
It's truly sickening to me how 'we' have been blinded by the govt. There's a very wise saying;

"There's a direct correlation between a well-educated population and a stable, free society; the more well educated the population is, the more durable it's democracy..." By; Dr. Peter Diamandis "Abundance"
Ah, and there's that nasty word again; DEMOCRACY....
So the first thing the govt. cuts is education...keep them stupid, so that we can control them...Although, some of the teacher that are employed by the state are a very far cry from being educators...they should be dichdiggers and not teachers.
I'm so happy to see someone sharp like you, to recognise the irony of the system.

Kinga, Apple Valley, CA
July 10, 2012 10:20am

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